My inbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal
immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not, to provide amnesty to
illegal immigrants or not, etc.
Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the
Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve
the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and
cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go
home to spend it. I love it when a plan comes together.
At age 4 success is . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . having money.
At age 70 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
I love the next sentence the best! Always remember to forget the
troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings
that come each day.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while
you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and
decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one,
he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His
search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house."
"We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The
girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a
stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a
92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority
and according to union rules, she's next."