Cecil's Portal dot com

Birthday Present

The First Family

Men In Training

PAGE FOUR

"Nothing he does behind closed doors surprises me any more!"

My inbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not, to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.

Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.

I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go home to spend it. I love it when a plan comes together.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . having money.
At age 70 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.

I love the next sentence the best! Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house."

"We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

"I swear, it's only this long!"

Where's there a will, there's a way!

An old rancher died, leaving everything to his devoted wife. Needing help, she decided to advertise for a ranch hand. Only two men applied. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought about it and hired the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours and knew a lot about ranching. To reward his good work she let him have the night off to go into town for some fun.

Later that night he returned to the ranch house. Halfway to his room, he saw the woman standing beside the fireplace, a glass of wine in her hand. She called him over.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she ordered. Trembling, he did so.

"Now take off my boots," she said.

"Now my socks." The hired man complied.

"Now take off my skirt." He unzipped it.

"Now take off my bra." He did as he was told.

"Now take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.

She fixed him with a determined gaze and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired".

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000 She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. Yes, we are.

Two of my best buds from Roane County were quietly sitting in a boat at Charles Fork Dam fishing and sucking down Pepsi's when suddenly Mike says, "I think I'm going to divorce the old lady - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Steve sips his Pepsi and says, "You better think it over old pal - women like that are hard to find."

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