Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, Shirley (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my
reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me
to keep a diary to chart my progress .
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today.. Very inspiring! Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I
finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get
in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to
work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife
(the witch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
vasectomy.